as an avid daydreamer, i have been recently entertaining a new scenario.
one much cooler than the one where i am on late night and i am interviewing david letterman.
more intricate than where i envision myself a successful writer that disappears into the mountains, wherien someone makes a documentary about trying to find me. (i havent decided whether or not i should be alive when they finally find my cabin.)
no, this new scenario has been alot of fun for me to play out.
the premise: if i could go back and relive my thirteenth year, but with all the knowledge and experience that i have now, what would i do differently?
sometimes i envision myself doing the opposite of what was then my nature.
i would dress cool, and keep up with the trends.
run with the crowd just enough so that i could stand out from among them.
ask that jessica girl out. maybe even kiss her. maybe even more.
throw away my action figures; stop trying to write those comic books.
even start working out a little bit.
with those changes in place, i envision my high school experience to be quite different.
i'd be invited to the parties.
i'd get the girls.
maybe i'd even be athletic.
i would be popular.
and then i would end up just like all the popular kids that i once aspired to be.
i'd barely graduate highschool.
get my girlfriend pregnant, and convince her to have an abortion. never talk to her again after that.
drop out of college to focus on my drinking.
join the army.
get another girl pregnant, but this time marry her.
become angry, cold and malicious.
blame my kid.
stay out late every night driving in my camaro, listening to rap music, looking for a mistress.
talk constantly about how cool it was in highschool, all the girls that i slept with; all the parties that i was the life of.
because thats all i would have left:
empty memories.
and thats when i become grateful that i was such a loser in jr. high.
its better to be a loser at thirteen than a loser at twenty three.
other times i envison myself doing thirteen a bit more stratigically.
i would stop hanging around my slacker friends.
i would disavow their manifesto of "doing stuff is stupid"
i would focus more energy on working on my comic book, and all of my other writings.
i wouldnt let myself lose my aspirations like i did the first time around.
and when i allow myself to go down that road and imagine where it could have led, i make sure to remember that its pointless to know what could have been when all you have is now, and then i get up and start writing, because
its better to be a loser at twenty three than a loser at forty.
7:23 a.m. - 2004-03-31
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
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