forgive me for sounding like a broken record, but
i really hate church.
and no, i am not just saying that.
and no, i am not "backsliding". in fact, i love christ more now then ever.
i am aware of the arguement that you cant love christ and hate his body.
which is true.
but notice that i am not saying that i hate THE Church.
(THE Church being the universal group of believers that make up the body of christ.)
i dont hate the little old ladies, and even the not so old ladies and men who are genuine in their beliefs and all that.
i dont hate the bible students, who last night stopped traffic in deep ellum by waving white flags vigorously in an attempt to witness.
but what i hate is the style of the american church.
i hate how people can sincerely believe that waving a white flag outside of a bar will actually bring a postive outlook on christ.
i hate how we get offended when people cuss.
i hate how we are so freaking irrelevant, and so freaking conditioned to that irrelevancy that we are actually surprised when people dont want to buy into our inferior music, our outdated means of communication, and our non-joyous lifestyle.
i dont want to think outside the box, i want to remove the box.
i dont want to reform the church, i want to rebuild it altogether.
(keeping of course, the foundation which is the word of God.)
my problem with the church is mostly stylistic
but its still a big problem.
above all, the thing i hate about church is the fake, synthetic community.
we sit in the same building, and we hug and shake hands at the preappointed time, and then we go out to lunch and engage in almost entirely superficial chatter, then we go back home and deal with our problems and our struggles by ourselves.
today at church i had to fight back the tears while i went through the routine.
i am so tired of not recieving anything more than a "good to have you here, brother"
i am so tired of not knowing anyone there.
i cried through worship, through the sermon and through the alter call, even after they turned up the lights and turned on a praise cd.
even after everybody started hugging and moving towards the exit.
with my red eyes, and tear soaked shirt i pleaded to God with my constant mantra
"i am so alone
this hurts so much
i hate being here
i am so alone
this hurts so much
i hate being here"
i prayed this until someone patted me on the back and said "good to have you here, brother"
thats when i left
and went to lunch alone
2:39 p.m. - 2003-11-16
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
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