sigh
confusion and frustration are the temporal rulers of my universe.
i have made a list of frustrations.
frustrations with the church
and frustrations with God.
they are added to daily and as of yet nothing has been deleted from the list.
i wonder if these frustrations are pointed in the right direction.
perhaps i am the one to blame.
i dont know.
i really wish i did
i seem to be dissolving from the inside
two weeks ago i was doing good, growing, confidant that God was helping me understand.
now, i am more tired, confused, hateful, resentful, and cynical than i was this time last year.
i am scared to wonder how many more years i will be able to say that.
last night i had a dream that my old youth pastor caught me smoking.(i dont smoke, it was just a dream) he disdainfully commented on how i had let everyone down.
i dont know why i am writing this all down.
what i hope to accomplish by my constant rambling.
and i dont know what i am going to do.
but i do know this, that Jesus is the source of all life (i will believe it until someone can prove me otherwise)
to leave him would not improve my situation.
but i also know that i cant hold to him for much longer in my present condition.
3:27 p.m. - 2003-04-23
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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